My Bulimic Diary
For a while now I have been having counselling with Hayley from this website - you call we listen, we care.
My diary is all part of my recovery and healing process from bulimia - I know some days will be more difficult than others and sometimes I may not make sense, but I will try and update my diary a couple os times a week.
I hope this helps others as well as myself.
Ok lets do this…
I am a Bulimic, and have been for 17 years!
There I've said it…
I am writing this blog as I mentioned earlier as part of my healing process with my counsellor and to share what I feel like emotionally and physically on a daily basis. I welcome any positive comments but at this stage can't handle any negativity as I beat myself up enough already and do not need anymore guilt.
Off we go then…
I am a bulimic. I have times where I binge and make myself sick constantly up to 5 times or more a day and days where I can let myself have a break and only binge once, but more often that not those days are when I have been exhausted from the bingeing and vomiting the days before or my mouth has ulcers or open bite marks. The most common thing to think is that I am very thin when in fact I am not - actually I am over weight and have been since childhood. I am on a diet at the moment but have been on one since forever, the problem being I get so hungry I start to binge and then bulimia takes over. I have been in this cycle now for so long its hard to imagine anything different.
My need to diet started when I was 17 and due to bullying and name calling from one side of town to the other completely crushing me as I walked past!
I reacted to this by only eating a red or yellow pepper throughout the day and made myself weak and dizzy and not able to concentrate at college. By the end of the day I was soooo hungry I just needed to get some chips or chips or anything I could get my hands on but because I didn't want anyone to see me eating I would do it really sneakily, I'd hide chips in my pocket or under my jacket or bag.
I was living with my nan at that time and so as soon as I walked in from college there would be tea cooking obviously she was totally unaware I had just eaten a load of chips or chocolate and chips so she dished up my tea and by the time I had finished it my tummy would be so uncomfortable and bloated. I would wait getting more agitated with myself just long enough so nan would think my tea had gone down then I would say I was going for a bath and go and make myself sick until there was nothing left inside me! What a relief I would feel, I would be elated there was nothing left inside me - I was empty of both food and emotion!
I long to be thin and wear the clothes my mates wear and I didn't become bulimic to get thin, the bulimia came as a result of trying to be thin and perfect. Being bulimic gave me control of the food in my body or at the start it did but very quickly it takes over like a drug. You need the food to block out the hunger or hurt and then you need the bulimia drug to get rid of the food and make you empty. That empty, exhausted feeling after being sick was always accompanied with anger and never again.
This pattern of behaviour has gone on for many years with a few good months where I have gained the strength to try and stop my bulimia. I thought I had been very secretive but recently found out that more people have been aware of my behaviour than I even imagined - I think thats what has spurred me to get in touch with You Call We Listen We Care, and thank goodness I have met Hayley who seems to be able to see into my heart and soul and help me address the past hurt.
Next week I will let you know how my counselling sessions have been progressing...